That Fast?

When was the last time you slipped and fell? How much time was there between the slip and the fall? Did you have enough time to think, "Oh man, I'm falling. This is not going to feel good. Let me look around and see if there's something to grab onto...no, nothing nearby. Oh well, I better brace myself." Probably not. It was more likely you were walking along like normal and the next second, out of the blue, you were on the ground.

How is it I can slip back into old crap so fast? Really? I mean, that fast? And I thought I was doing good! Since the Emmaus Walk in September, I've been reading my bible and devotions everyday, I was praying, earnestly, everyday, I didn't miss a men's night. And each one kept me fulfilled and on the road, with barely a stumble to speak of. I was heading straight for God, and He was revealing new and wonderful things to me.

And now, Bam! Here I am on the ground thinking... what just happened? How did I get here? How did I fall SO FAST? It's only been two months! Suddenly its been a week since I touched my bible. Now I catch myself thinking, Oh man I haven't prayed at all today... or yesterday! I missed the last men's night because of work. And old vices and demons are slipping back into my life, and what's worse I'm letting them!

What happened? I think I got busy. Work was crazy these last few weeks. The holiday took up all my time and energy. And instead of persevering through it all, I just said, "I'll do it in the morning, I'm too tired." Yeah, well, I should know myself well enough to know that I don't do anything in the morning, so I should have guessed it wouldn't get done.

At men's group last night someone brought up how no matter how long someone spends reading and studying the bible, they could spend their entire lifetime, they would never fully grasp it. Any other book and you would know everything there is to know about it after a life of study. But not the bible. And anyone who claims to understand God or has Him or His book figured out is sadly, sadly delusional.

And I can tell you with certainty, I will never understand God. And its this one thing that will always catch me. The one thing that I will never be able to grasp about God. Why He wanted me.

Someone said last night that any good you see in me is Christ, not me.

I want to be such a better person. But I came to a realization last night that there's nothing, nothing, I can do by myself to achieve that. And its a bit of a paradox. To become a better servant for God, you must let God make you a better servant for God. But...wait. How can my action be letting God act? God will make me into the better person that I want to be, for Him?

Seems a little unfair. That's a lot of stuff for God to do, and not much on my part. But I'll try. But there's one thing that I can do: I can be faithful. I can trust in Him in all things, and He will WORK. I read this last night:

When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." So Jesus went with them.

He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.



That's the kind of Oak like Faith that I want to have. For He is able.

Exhausted at Christmas

The past few Christmases have felt very rushed and stressed. Its mostly because this is my third Christmas working retail. I've actually enjoyed the store the rest of the year. But this time of year, it gets crazy. First, you add in new employees, which is always a hassle, because there are inevitably some duds. This year that rule went to the MAX. My manager, whose only been a manager for less than a year, hired 6 new people, all under 22 maybe. Well, here we are on the last Saturday before Christmas and we are down by half. I'm telling you, these are some major duds. Not just little things like being too slow for the holiday rush or making several mistakes, but BIG things. Not showing up for work, lying, personal issues, cancer, some money has gone missing. Everything that could go wrong. And so everyone whose still employed there has been called in on their days off to make up for these three. I have to keep reminding myself that Jesus loves them. Now don't get me wrong, work is work and I need the money: granted.

But its Christmastime. This may be the last Christmas home and I've spent all of five minutes with my parents because I always work nights. Now the store hours are extended and I will be getting home tonight at midnight. I barely get to see my family at one of the best times of the year. It sucks. I told my manager that I refuse to work retail next Christmas, even if it involves me quitting my job right before the holidays! It just sucks the life out of you.

And what's worse, the store is closing. Oh yes, some people are sad. There are two kinds of people that have been walking into the store lately: people who are sad to see the store go and sorry that we're losing our jobs, and those who keep asking when the deals are going to get better. At this point I can't feel sad about the store anymore. I just can't. They've ruined that for me. We're at the point in the liquidation (everything 20 - 40% off), where they're not sending us any new merchandise. So when people come in and ask for things we usually have, but have run out of, I've gotten a lot of sighs and "okaaaay"s. Every time I can't help a customer it bums me out a little, which is more and more. Every time a customer brings up how sad the only bookstore within 50 miles that's been there for 40 years is closing, it bums me out a little. So I noticed this week that I've shut it off. I can't feel sad about those things anymore because they start to pile up and I don't want to be depressed right at Christmas.

And there's just the usual Christmastime rush. People are buying ungodly amounts of presents for everyone they know, and are late doing so. I've had so many people come in and say, "Whatever, just put it in the bag, I'm tired of shopping." I can't understand that anymore; buying for everyone you know. What are gifts? I think of gifts as giving a bit of yourself to someone else, to show you care for them. Nowadays that's been construed to purchasing an item for someone. But that's not what a gift really is. We finally convinced the Long side of the family to stop giving gifts this year. So I'm only getting gifts for Mom, Dad, Adam and Ryan, my immediate family. I think this year's going to be great. The Gliem side of the family hasn't given gifts in like a decade and no one ever even thinks about it anymore! Christmas to us is getting to see each other again, eating way too much food, reading the Christmas story and games and activities. Its just fun! But when the pressure to buy presents, not gifts, presents... for people builds up, it turns into a white elephant charade. "I got you this cause I didn't know what to get you." If you don't know what to give someone, don't get them anything! A gift is when you see or think of something that would benefit the life of someone you know, and you love them enough to sacrifice to get it for them. I don't want a puppy calender, or a singing frog band, or a Titanic music box! You weren't thinking of me when you got them for me, you felt obligated and made a guess!

THAT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!!! So to all you customers rushing into Waldenbooks today scouring the emptying shelves for some trinket that will make a person on your list's pile equal to everyone else's on the list, I say, Don't even bother. They won't remember it next year and you won't feel any better about yourself because you did.

Christmas is Jesus. If you want a good GIFT, take Jesus' example. He humbled himself to the lowest position so He could save the lives of the ones He loved. If that's not a perfect gift, I don't know what is.



And yes, those presents were things that people actually got me...

Dude, God is Crazy!

I just got back from the Living Christmas Trees, a show that Grace at Polaris puts on every year, and my family has gone to every year. All my cousins say that its not Christmas till we go see the Trees. We love it, its big by church theatre standards, but it still has its quirks :)

This year got me thinking (a dangerous past-time). I should explain real quick. Every year it bases around a story, usually modern, and someone starts to talk about the Christmas story. So they go back and forth between the contemporary and the biblical stories, all the way up to the Resurrection. The modern story changes every year which is why we can be so eager to see it again and again. Alright, so this year's was sad. It was based around a family who's daughter had just lost her husband overseas in the war. She was hurting and was mad at God, and her parents were hurting because there was nothing they could do.

With that being said, the Jesus parts were what I was interested in. They did some interesting things this year. When Jesus is being nailed to the cross, everything slows down and a little boy in white, an angel, steps down and sings this little sad song. It was a beautiful moment. When Jesus is born, there are girl angels that show up and dance, and then enter the Warrior Angels. Big guys with full wings and flaming swords!

And here's where my mind wanders to. God is crazy! The reason people call Jesus' story the Greatest Story Ever Told is because there would be no way you could make it up. God is in Heaven, a perfect place, surrounded by people and angels that adore Him. But for some reason he can't stop watching these people. Jerks, really. Horrible people who hate each other, kill each other, care only for themselves and ruin almost everything they touch. This plague is infesting every single one of them, a plague that THEY created and are completely unable to fix. God, for some strange reason, falls in love with them. And it kills Him to see them suffering and dying from this plague of sin. So He decides that He's gonna fix it.

But there's a cost. The plague is a tricky thing, with rules that must be adhered to. A sacrifice is needed to clean the heart. But one sacrifice can really only clean one heart, and because its an imperfect sacrifice, the healing won't last. So God decides to do the one thing that can truly destroy the plague, something that is only within His power. He'll make the sacrifice Himself.

But a personal sacrifice is not enough. Any Father will gladly jump in front of a bullet to save his wife or kids. No, He decides to do the most painful and powerful thing ever. He sacrifices His Son. But its not that simple! First He takes Him out of His place of prestige at the Father's side, sends Him to the mud with all those wretches that He loves but who hate Him, and lets them carry out the sacrifice themselves. And you know what's really insane? Jesus, His perfect Son, is willing to go along with it.

Watching those angels tonight surrounding Jesus as a baby, walking around Him so restrained as the insects nail Him to two hunks of wood... all I could think of is, God is CRAZY! How did He have the will to let this happen? How could He watch as His perfect Son was maimed? How did the angels hold themselves back and not rush to their King's aid? Who would have ever thought that all of this would have worked out? And most of all, why does He love us enough to go through all of this?

A long time ago a friend of mine said he imagined Jesus in Heaven before he was sent to Earth talking with His friends, telling them this idea He had to save the world. And all His friends could say to Him was, "Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed!"
To which he replied... "I know."

Its a magnificent story.



I wish I could be that brave.

I am what I am...

My last post was on November 30, and after finishing I went to bed and grabbed "My Utmost for His Highest". It was a pretty poignant message. But that night I didn't accept it. Today I read it again, after another amazing Tuesday, and its a little easier.

November 30

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me was not in vain..."
- 1 Corinthians 15:10

The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. Get into the habit of examining from God's perspective those things that sound so humble to men. You will be amazed at how unbelievably inappropriate and disrespectful they are to Him. We say things such as, "Oh, I shouldn't claim to be sanctified; I'm not a saint." But to say that before God means, "No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are opportunities I have not had and so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn't possible." That may sound wonderfully humble to others, but before God it is an attitude of defiance.

Conversely, the things that sound humble before God may sound exactly the opposite to people. To say, "Thank God, I know I am saved and sanctified," is in God's eyes the purest expression of humility. It means you have so completely surrendered yourself to God that you know He is true. Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all.

There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

Wham! Right between the eyes.
Its a wonder I didn't get this Monday night. Its very clear now. Feeling worthless, and being unable to accept that God would want me is telling God that He did a terrible job creating me, and that He is powerless to change me. Ouch.

I'm going to keep working on this. Just as we use the scripture to 'capture every thought' when dealing with temptation, its just as important with these lies we buy everyday. I'm not worthless, God made me, and IT WAS GOOD. He gave me talents that I can use for His glory, and He put wonderful family and friends in my life to portray His Love for me. I have to keep telling myself this and stop those lies from even gaining one foot in my mind.

By the grace of God I am what I am, another story of how God can take something broken and make it NEW again.

Worthwhile

I've been struggling with worth lately. And by lately I mean my entire life. Worth is such a tricky thing. Its hard to describe, but so easy to place; on people, on things, on events. My mom and dad have worth to me. But in the same breath I could say that my pillow has worth as well (its one of those foam ones).

A friend asked me and my friends to write a short message to each other. Good memories, encouragements, prayers, etc. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Because each of those people has so much worth in my life. I value those friendships so much, and writing to each of them about the strange and hilarious things we've done in the past and how much I cherish them, really showed me how much those people mean to me. They are... worthy friends.

For some reason it is so easy for me to dole that out on them, so easy because they deserve being called worthy. They are incredible people. We've been through so much together, we've seen each other up and down, they given so much of themselves to me, and made me laugh like no one could. Of course these people have worth in my life! They are Worthwhile.

But when it comes to accepting worth, that's a different story. I know that, just as I have, my friends are writing nice comments to me as well. They will probably be wonderfully heartfelt, well-written and I will cry because of it. But I'm almost positive I won't be able to accept them. Why is that? I can't seem to see my good side. No matter what people say, or how wonderful the person is saying it, no matter how genuine they may be, I just can't seem to accept the fact that I'm worth anything. All I see are the worst parts of me, all I know is how I will just screw up again. Why can't I break that?

Is it just Satan? Am I that lame that I can realize I'm being lied to and still accept the lie? For me its a fairly believable lie. I was listening to O Holy Night today on the raido, and I have a favorite line. Its the part that goes,
"Till He appeared, and the soul felt its worth."
I love that line because its so true. Until God came down to be with us, and tell us in person, looking into our eyes, that He loves us... our souls couldn't help but feel worthless. But now its here. The Bible is riddled with how much God loves us. The very sacrifice of his Son shows how desperately He cares for us. And yet...

I feel unworthy. And rightly so, I am. We all are. But its more than that. I feel so unworthy in life that I can't believe God would want to love me. And if I can't believe that God would want to love me or think I'm worth His time, how can I ever believe that the people around me would want to love me either? I don't want to be an obligation! I don't want people to love me because they feel sorry for me or they feel they have to. I don't want people to spend time with me because they think doing so will make them a better Christian. I don't want family members to ask about my life or say they love me because, as a family member, they are obligated to. All I feel like is an obligation! I'm just a burden that gets passed off between a few good people who only do so because they have pity on me. And the more I think this way, the more I feel unworthy, the lonelier I get.

I really don't know what to do or say right now. This is a bit of a ramble post, completely unprepared. My brain knows I'm wrong, but for some reason my heart knows itself too well to ever accept that. I don't think any amount of loving words will do it either, because I've been looking there. You could fill this post with comments of encouragement and it probably would make me feel worse about myself. I guess I keep thinking that if I can get someone to say that I'm a Worthwhile piece of their life, and that they want to be with me, I can convince myself that God really does love me too. But I'm pretty sure that its supposed to be the other way around. We love because He loved first.

Gosh, I'm such a downer. And you know what annoys me the most? I feel like I'm just driving those around me nuts. Because they know God loves me, and some of them might too, and here I am, like a donkey refusing to budge. Why can't I just accept this and move on? I know the truth! So why am I so down on myself?

I've got to break this.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I was reading Oswald Chambers last night and I came upon a very well-thought out two sentences.

'Tis because I am ordinary
Thy ways so often look ordinary to me.

Also last night I had Men's group. I gotta tell you, I love Tuesdays now. Wayne came in and said, "This vessel's ready for some fillin'!" And he's exactly right. That is what those nights are for, rejuvenation. We decided that since this was the last time we would see each other until after Thanksgiving that we would say something we were thankful for.

Listening to those guys speak, it was so genuine. They were thankful for the greatest things on earth; God's never-ending Love, his faithfulness through all our downfalls, his salvation for wretched sinners. And they were thankful for the little things; hot water, a roof over our heads, food on the table, a job that puts it there, the fact that they could walk under their own power, the fact that they could tell their right hand from their left.

I was so blind. Kenny said that "You know when its God speaking." And I know when God speaks to me, because I feel like I'm going to throw up. He knows I won't just jump to it with a simple little word. He's gotta squeeze me until I'm so uncomfortable that I have to do what he wants or I'll be sick. Well, after each guy spoke, I felt sicker, and sicker. When we went to pray, I just had to cry out.

I was so blind. I've complained about my job, about being home, about being lonely, about not having enough money to really do anything. But look at what I have! I'm living in a wonderful home that has hot water, and heat, and food and pets and I'm not paying for it! I have two, TWO jobs that have been adequately paying my loans! The worse health issue I have is itchy skin! I can see, and hear, and taste, and talk, and think, and drive, and pray, and work, and sing! My parents not only love me, they are thankful I'm still home! I always think I'm a burden on them, but they ENJOY my company. I have so much family and we all, truly, love each other. And I have my pillars of men to support me, and grow me and love me and PRAY FOR ME.

I was so... blind. And I can't take that anymore. I need to see everything God does for me. My life could be so much harder, so much more desperate.

I'm sorry, Lord. 'Tis because I am so ordinary, Thy ways so often seem ordinary.



Happy Thanksgiving.

Like a Glove...

Have you ever owned a pair of gloves? If you're in Ohio I'm sure you have. I've had several different pairs of gloves over the years, and none of them really fit well. I want some that are waterproof because you always have to handle snow in the winter. But they're so big and clunky that you have no grip on anything. So I've tried the form fitting ones, but they're always made of cloth. The second they get wet, your hands are cold for the rest of the day. I've never really found a nice pair of gloves that fit.

I think churches are like gloves. They fit some people, and don't others. And you have to search through all the different churches until you find one that fits snug. Its a really hard thing to do. You can always settle, though. The church doesn't quite fit, I can't really get a good grip on things, but its close by. Save some gas money. The church is my denomination... I don't like anyone there, but I can't go to any other denomination. I like another church, but its far away. My family goes to this church, I don't want to leave them behind. I've spent so much time in this church, I can't just leave them... they're my spiritual family. On and on. The gloves don't quite fit, but I'll just deal with it.

Should we? Should we just settle on a church for these reasons? I don't know, that sounds wrong to me. Right now, I have no church. I've stopped going to my parent's church, which I grew up in. Its a wonderful little church, full of loving people, but I don't fit anymore. I outgrew the gloves. I finally gained the courage to leave when an old family friend and church member heard I wanted to leave and said, "Go, there's nothing here for you anymore." She saw how the gloves were stretching at the seams, and that they didn't work for me anymore. I counted it as the church's blessing for me to move on. So I did.

But now I'm in that awkward church shopping phase. You feel like a mooch, coming in and taking for a Sunday or two and leaving nothing behind. But that's what it is. You try a church on for a little while, and if it doesn't fit you move on. Since I decided to leave Grace Brethren, I've been to two different churches, one of them for at least four Sundays. And you know what? It is a very nice pair of gloves. I don't really see anything wrong with them. But they don't really... fit. I'm kind of sad about it too. Because its a young church full of vibrant people, they have good music, tons of ministries, and the Pastor gives, truly amazing sermons. I've grown from each one. And yet...

There's something missing. I've been told several times lately that the right church will feel like home. That's a comforting thought, because I love home. And churches are homes, homes of your spiritual family, its God's HOUSE. If we're most comfortable in our own homes, how much more should we be in the home of our Lord? I desire that deeply, and I don't think I ever really have. I want that second home full of family where I can grow and put back into. So although this church I've been going to is a really, very nice pair of gloves... I can't just settle for that.

I need a home. And I won't stop looking until I find it.

Breaking Up

I'm so tired of TV. I feel like that's all I do when I'm not working. I'm tired of this computer too. When I'm not watching TV I'm usually on the computer. Or both. Don't get me wrong, there are good things on TV. Actually right now there are so many good shows on that I can't keep up. So some nights we pack in a few shows back to back just to catch up. Tonight we got in two and Mom wanted to go on to another. I said, "Are we just going to watch TV all night?". To which she said, "Ethan, you say that all the time but then you just go get on your computer."

She's right. I mean, look at me, I'm writing a blog post! And when I do get on the computer, I just check my social networks (facebook, xanga, other blogs) and then... well, I really don't know what else to do on the internet.

I miss people. I harken back to my college days a lot, but its really a huge reference point for me. When I was in college, there was one thing that was never lacking: conversation. There are people, everywhere. You eat together, study together, learn together, worship together, live together, and when I was a freshman, shower together. I mean, being alone is a luxury in college. But the old saying is so very true; you don't know what you have until its gone. I would scrounge for time by myself back then. Time to read or just have some quiet. But now...

Now I have so much time to myself that I could have built a scale model of London out of toothpicks in a couple of days. I miss the people. Granted I'm not alone, but its nothing like college. Wonderful conversations would just sprout out of nowhere, at times you never would have expected (the bathroom in the Den at 1 am, an empty theatre before practice, the cafeteria between meals). I was challenged intellectually. I had discussions about Jesus. I had discussions about movies. Ideas were created, about plays, games, parties, travel, projects. Some of them even came through. I got to learn about people's lives, their troubles, their dreams. I got hear stories one after another. And there was more laughing than I could handle.

I may be an introvert, but I need people in my life. Bad. Right now, people are at a distance, literally. And I don't really know what to do about that. But I can tell you one thing. That box and this screen I'm staring at right now... they will never be able to offer me a fraction of what those people in college could. So TV and me, we're gonna start growing apart, I'm afraid. You've been a reliable companion I'll admit it... but you're bringing me down, box.

Things have got to change, and there are so much better things for me to do.

New digs, new attitudes

So here I am on Blogger. I'm not new to blogging, but all the websites I use are all locked down (like facebook). I thought I'd open one of these for anyone who doesn't use those sites.

So I have a couple of thoughts for my inaugural post.
First would be my name. I chose Oak like Faith because one of my favorite verses is Isaiah 61:3,
"They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
I love that thought. I've always wanted to be something strong and reliable. I mean, Ethan means "steadfast". So this is Oak like Faith. Right now I'd say I'm closer to Pine like Faith, with shallow roots. But I'm striving for Faith as strong as an Oak.

The other thought was the whole reason I opened this blog. I started going back through my old Xanga posts today. This one is from well over a year ago, but it still rings true today. The only thing that's different from then and now is, I don't want to use this as an excuse anymore. God has a purpose for me, at a specific time. And even if I don't believe that sometimes, I have to keep drumming into my head. Or else, in a year I'll just have another long list of posts whining about my job.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Mom was telling me about a dog whisperer episode that she saw last night where a family took in a German shepherd that had the unfortunate bad habit of chasing its tail... constantly. I mean without stopping. For seven years. The dog wouldn't stop, and nothing the family did would fix it. Enter the whisperer.

He explains to them that the German shepherd is a working dog. The family had given the dog no job. They walked it occasionally, but it had no job. So the whisperer takes it out for a walk, tied to their other German shepherd, and right when the dog twists around to start chasing its tail, he catches it. He slips a little doggie backpack on it and puts water bottles on each side. Instantly the dog perks up and settles down. It had a job, a purpose. And it went straight on, perfectly behaved.

Today in church, I have this bad habit of fidgeting when I sit. Mom constantly grabs my legs trying to get me to stop, but a couple seconds later it gets going again. I don't really have control over it, it just happens. And then mom says that I fidget because I have no job. That really got me thinking. Don't get me wrong, working with mom is great, she's a really good boss. But of course I don't want to paint for the rest of my life. When it comes down to it... I have no purpose. My life is wandering and vague. I keep trying to get to the next spot, the next job, but all I can do is fidget. I feel like I've been chasing my tail for a year, ever since I graduated.

It makes it hard to concentrate on things, and I become very unmotivated. Which makes it very difficult to write my book, which I really want to do. I need a Whisperer...


...so I can write my stories...