It's Gone

So its finally gone. Waldenbooks of Marion, which would have celebrated its 40th anniversary in a couple years, is now one of many empty and depressing looking stores at the Marion Centre. Everyone who came in during the last days would have sworn that of all the stores in that dying mall, Waldenbooks would have outlasted them all. And yet, you see the pictures up above. As I write this, I'm watching You've Got Mail and it is so profoundly poignant to me right now, that I feel the person who wrote it had to have gone through losing a store of their own.

I have to tell you, the time at the store has been fairly wonderful. Besides the times at the seasonal Calendar Kiosk, which sucked my very soul away, I had a good time. I learned a lot about books, of all genres, which I really appreciate. I feel like I've grown in the world of literature. I've found my niches, the things I love, the things I can tolerate, and that which I have have absolutely no time for. I can talk to a wider range of people about books since I am liberated from my tiny 'preferences' box.

Although I didn't get to be terribly creative there, since it is corporate, I did get several of my ideas used, I got to put up displays, I learned how to speak with strangers better. I had a good time. The hours sucked, the pay was low and I put much of my paycheck right back into the cash register, but I would chalk that job up in the 'good' category.

So farewell, Waldenbooks. May someone come into Marion and bring the light of books back to its dreary streets.

Arriving at the Station Late

I fear I may be too late. For those who don't know, I am writing a book. Actually, I have been writing a book for a few years now. I know, I'm pretty slow, right? Well, I just couldn't get the right... way, I guess of doing it. The right tone, the right plot, the right characters, the right everything. Just recently I finished rewriting what I have so far (for the third time) and I think I finally have the story exactly where I want it. I like my book again! I'm pretty sure I can finish it now. But there is one problem.

I fear I may be too late. You see, the book (really books, its a series) are based on greek mythology. I tweaked the stories so its a bit like superheroes meets ancient epic. I love it, I think its going to be a very exciting Young Adult Fantasy series. But now...

Have you ever heard of Percy Jackson and the Olympians? Its a kid's book series about a kid who finds out he's a half-blood, a demi-god, related to one of the greek gods. And from there is thrown into a whirlwind adventure where he discovers the myth world secretly hidden inside human culture, right down to Medusa cooking burgers, pens that transform into swords and a camp run by Dionysus. This gave me a little pause a few years ago and I read the first book. To my relief, Rick Riordan has taken greek mythology an entirely different route from where my books are going (whew!) But the problem with it is ... its becoming a movie. Not everyone know books, but a lot of people know movies. And just as this greek myth movie is coming out, Clash of the Titans is scheduled to release as well!

What if no one wants my books because by the time they're done, greek myth has also already been done? I feel like I'm going to be one of those sub-par vampire novels that came out after Twilight hit it big, just another shlob riding a success's coat tails for a little cash.

Crap! Why did I wait this long? I'm pretty sure, if I had just hunkered down and done it, I could have finished this book a couple years ago. But I procrastinated and now... I don't know.

What do I do now? I'm going to finish them no matter what. Even if they never leave my own house, they'll be something I can read to my kids one day. But I was hoping maybe this was something I could get into. Now I feel like the train has already left the station and somebody else took the ticket that was waiting for me.

Purpose

I had a long conversation last night with a friend about what I should do next in life. I had another, slightly shorter one again a few minutes ago with my father. Both were nice because I love to talk things out, but I'm still as confused as I was before. But worse, I'm more frustrated. I always get frustrated when it comes to debates about my future job or life choices or just life in general. Mostly because I have no idea. None. I am as clueless as an out-of-stock board game store.

I know, that one was pretty lame.

My entire life I've struggled with purpose. I hate not having it. And, before anything starts, I acknowledge that my purpose in life is to serve Christ, something I am desiring to do more and more. I am talking about the practical and everyday purpose. That thing... that I'm supposed to do. That thing that God has planned for me that I will be most content with.

I tend to label myself, and abilities, by my occupation; a habit I'm being told more often to ditch. I feel like I have no ... purpose. At the bookstore, my purpose is to make sure a fresh stock of books is on the shelves and to help consumers get those books home. Well, that's what it used to be. Nowadays its trying to keep the place from looking like a dilapidated Odd Lots and helping bonepickers get their pile of merchandise out the door while praying that the ancient cash registers and computer last just one more week. And mom says that when painting people's houses we're making their lives better, making their homes homier.

That's all well and good. I accept that and appreciate the years I've done them. I do really, that's not just a cynical brush-off. But man... I feel like there's something much more.

I've also been told that I'm in the desert phase. The character building phase. I've had many people tell me that everything I'm learning right now is being learned for the future. That at some point I will come across a moment when the lessons learned at these mundane months will spring forth and save me from making errors. I like that. I like the idea of training. But training, reasonably, usually leads up to something to be trained for. Just because I'm wandering the desert doesn't mean I can't be confused on where I'm going.

And that's where I am I think. Is there a way to wait on the Lord while still moving? What if I move, just for moving's sake, and miss what I had been waiting on? What if all this waiting and training has made me so cynical and depressed that I grow too apathetic to go looking anymore? And worse, what if all this time away from action and purpose has stolen my confidence? I feel like that has already taken place.

I don't want to just grab a job so I can keep up with my bills. If that were the case, I'd already have another job lined up. But I'm going on three years out of college. College, that thing that's supposed to advance you to better jobs. So far I haven't got past part-time. And everything inside of me, all the discernment I can muster on the Lord's will, is telling me that something's coming. A change is on its way. The next step is almost here. The Emmaus Walk felt like the precursor to it.

And that leads me to my last thought. Am I really just running away from God's will? Is one of the things that I've dismissed long ago, actually the thing that God intended all along? I would hate for that to be true. Partly because I would feel like I'd wasted time outside of what God had in store for me. But mostly because, there's a reason I dismissed those old ideas. I don't want to do them. And why would God intend something for me that made me so miserable?



So many questions. So confused.

Perspective

Perspective is an interesting thing.

Sometimes I feel like I have a difficult life. I'm in debt, my job prospects are minuscule. But then someone else shows you how terribly easy your life is. I met a man recently who just finished up being a marine. He served two tours in Iraq where he saw horrible things. One of which was watching his best friend die.

He's two years older than me.

I must say, I have a grand life. A cushy life. I haven't seen a small fraction of what this world can dish out. And I worry about having to work fast food.

Thank you God for blessing me.

Wanting to Let Go

"Grace tells us that we are accepted just as we are. We may not be the kind of people we want to be, we may be a long way from our goals, we may have more failures than achievements, we may not be wealthy or powerful or spiritual, we may not even be happy, but we are nonetheless accepted by God, held in his hands. Such is his promise to us in Jesus Christ, a promise we can trust."

"For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, 'Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened,' He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love. He knew that physical pain, the loss of loved ones, failure, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal would sap our spirits; that the day would come when faith would no longer offer any drive, reassurance, or comfort; that prayer would lack any sense of reality or progress; that we would echo the cry of Teresa of Avila; 'Lord, if this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!'"

"When we wallow in guilt, remorse, and shame over real or imagined sins of the past we are disdaining God's gift of grace."

"Preoccupation with self is always a major component of unhealthy guilt and recrimination. It stirs our emotions, churning in self-destructive ways, closes us in upon the mighty citadel of self, leads to depression and despair and preempts the presence of a compassionate God. The language of unhealthy guilt is harsh. It is demanding, abusing, criticizing, rejecting, accusing, blaming, condemning, reproaching, and scolding. It is one of impatience and chastisement. Christians are shocked and horrified because they have failed. Unhealthy guilt becomes bigger than life."

"We all have shadows and skeletons in our backgrounds. But listen, there is something bigger in this world than we are and that something bigger is full of grace and mercy, patience and ingenuity. The moment the focus of your life shifts from your badness to his goodness and the question becomes not 'What have I done?' but 'What can He do?' release from remorse can happen; miracle of miracles, you can forgive yourself because you are forgiven, accept yourself because you are accepted, and begin to start building up the very places you once tore down. There is grace to help in every time of trouble. That grace is the secret to being able to forgive ourselves. Trust it."

From The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning



This is what my heart struggles with now.