Worthwhile

I've been struggling with worth lately. And by lately I mean my entire life. Worth is such a tricky thing. Its hard to describe, but so easy to place; on people, on things, on events. My mom and dad have worth to me. But in the same breath I could say that my pillow has worth as well (its one of those foam ones).

A friend asked me and my friends to write a short message to each other. Good memories, encouragements, prayers, etc. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Because each of those people has so much worth in my life. I value those friendships so much, and writing to each of them about the strange and hilarious things we've done in the past and how much I cherish them, really showed me how much those people mean to me. They are... worthy friends.

For some reason it is so easy for me to dole that out on them, so easy because they deserve being called worthy. They are incredible people. We've been through so much together, we've seen each other up and down, they given so much of themselves to me, and made me laugh like no one could. Of course these people have worth in my life! They are Worthwhile.

But when it comes to accepting worth, that's a different story. I know that, just as I have, my friends are writing nice comments to me as well. They will probably be wonderfully heartfelt, well-written and I will cry because of it. But I'm almost positive I won't be able to accept them. Why is that? I can't seem to see my good side. No matter what people say, or how wonderful the person is saying it, no matter how genuine they may be, I just can't seem to accept the fact that I'm worth anything. All I see are the worst parts of me, all I know is how I will just screw up again. Why can't I break that?

Is it just Satan? Am I that lame that I can realize I'm being lied to and still accept the lie? For me its a fairly believable lie. I was listening to O Holy Night today on the raido, and I have a favorite line. Its the part that goes,
"Till He appeared, and the soul felt its worth."
I love that line because its so true. Until God came down to be with us, and tell us in person, looking into our eyes, that He loves us... our souls couldn't help but feel worthless. But now its here. The Bible is riddled with how much God loves us. The very sacrifice of his Son shows how desperately He cares for us. And yet...

I feel unworthy. And rightly so, I am. We all are. But its more than that. I feel so unworthy in life that I can't believe God would want to love me. And if I can't believe that God would want to love me or think I'm worth His time, how can I ever believe that the people around me would want to love me either? I don't want to be an obligation! I don't want people to love me because they feel sorry for me or they feel they have to. I don't want people to spend time with me because they think doing so will make them a better Christian. I don't want family members to ask about my life or say they love me because, as a family member, they are obligated to. All I feel like is an obligation! I'm just a burden that gets passed off between a few good people who only do so because they have pity on me. And the more I think this way, the more I feel unworthy, the lonelier I get.

I really don't know what to do or say right now. This is a bit of a ramble post, completely unprepared. My brain knows I'm wrong, but for some reason my heart knows itself too well to ever accept that. I don't think any amount of loving words will do it either, because I've been looking there. You could fill this post with comments of encouragement and it probably would make me feel worse about myself. I guess I keep thinking that if I can get someone to say that I'm a Worthwhile piece of their life, and that they want to be with me, I can convince myself that God really does love me too. But I'm pretty sure that its supposed to be the other way around. We love because He loved first.

Gosh, I'm such a downer. And you know what annoys me the most? I feel like I'm just driving those around me nuts. Because they know God loves me, and some of them might too, and here I am, like a donkey refusing to budge. Why can't I just accept this and move on? I know the truth! So why am I so down on myself?

I've got to break this.