That Fast?

When was the last time you slipped and fell? How much time was there between the slip and the fall? Did you have enough time to think, "Oh man, I'm falling. This is not going to feel good. Let me look around and see if there's something to grab onto...no, nothing nearby. Oh well, I better brace myself." Probably not. It was more likely you were walking along like normal and the next second, out of the blue, you were on the ground.

How is it I can slip back into old crap so fast? Really? I mean, that fast? And I thought I was doing good! Since the Emmaus Walk in September, I've been reading my bible and devotions everyday, I was praying, earnestly, everyday, I didn't miss a men's night. And each one kept me fulfilled and on the road, with barely a stumble to speak of. I was heading straight for God, and He was revealing new and wonderful things to me.

And now, Bam! Here I am on the ground thinking... what just happened? How did I get here? How did I fall SO FAST? It's only been two months! Suddenly its been a week since I touched my bible. Now I catch myself thinking, Oh man I haven't prayed at all today... or yesterday! I missed the last men's night because of work. And old vices and demons are slipping back into my life, and what's worse I'm letting them!

What happened? I think I got busy. Work was crazy these last few weeks. The holiday took up all my time and energy. And instead of persevering through it all, I just said, "I'll do it in the morning, I'm too tired." Yeah, well, I should know myself well enough to know that I don't do anything in the morning, so I should have guessed it wouldn't get done.

At men's group last night someone brought up how no matter how long someone spends reading and studying the bible, they could spend their entire lifetime, they would never fully grasp it. Any other book and you would know everything there is to know about it after a life of study. But not the bible. And anyone who claims to understand God or has Him or His book figured out is sadly, sadly delusional.

And I can tell you with certainty, I will never understand God. And its this one thing that will always catch me. The one thing that I will never be able to grasp about God. Why He wanted me.

Someone said last night that any good you see in me is Christ, not me.

I want to be such a better person. But I came to a realization last night that there's nothing, nothing, I can do by myself to achieve that. And its a bit of a paradox. To become a better servant for God, you must let God make you a better servant for God. But...wait. How can my action be letting God act? God will make me into the better person that I want to be, for Him?

Seems a little unfair. That's a lot of stuff for God to do, and not much on my part. But I'll try. But there's one thing that I can do: I can be faithful. I can trust in Him in all things, and He will WORK. I read this last night:

When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." So Jesus went with them.

He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.



That's the kind of Oak like Faith that I want to have. For He is able.

Exhausted at Christmas

The past few Christmases have felt very rushed and stressed. Its mostly because this is my third Christmas working retail. I've actually enjoyed the store the rest of the year. But this time of year, it gets crazy. First, you add in new employees, which is always a hassle, because there are inevitably some duds. This year that rule went to the MAX. My manager, whose only been a manager for less than a year, hired 6 new people, all under 22 maybe. Well, here we are on the last Saturday before Christmas and we are down by half. I'm telling you, these are some major duds. Not just little things like being too slow for the holiday rush or making several mistakes, but BIG things. Not showing up for work, lying, personal issues, cancer, some money has gone missing. Everything that could go wrong. And so everyone whose still employed there has been called in on their days off to make up for these three. I have to keep reminding myself that Jesus loves them. Now don't get me wrong, work is work and I need the money: granted.

But its Christmastime. This may be the last Christmas home and I've spent all of five minutes with my parents because I always work nights. Now the store hours are extended and I will be getting home tonight at midnight. I barely get to see my family at one of the best times of the year. It sucks. I told my manager that I refuse to work retail next Christmas, even if it involves me quitting my job right before the holidays! It just sucks the life out of you.

And what's worse, the store is closing. Oh yes, some people are sad. There are two kinds of people that have been walking into the store lately: people who are sad to see the store go and sorry that we're losing our jobs, and those who keep asking when the deals are going to get better. At this point I can't feel sad about the store anymore. I just can't. They've ruined that for me. We're at the point in the liquidation (everything 20 - 40% off), where they're not sending us any new merchandise. So when people come in and ask for things we usually have, but have run out of, I've gotten a lot of sighs and "okaaaay"s. Every time I can't help a customer it bums me out a little, which is more and more. Every time a customer brings up how sad the only bookstore within 50 miles that's been there for 40 years is closing, it bums me out a little. So I noticed this week that I've shut it off. I can't feel sad about those things anymore because they start to pile up and I don't want to be depressed right at Christmas.

And there's just the usual Christmastime rush. People are buying ungodly amounts of presents for everyone they know, and are late doing so. I've had so many people come in and say, "Whatever, just put it in the bag, I'm tired of shopping." I can't understand that anymore; buying for everyone you know. What are gifts? I think of gifts as giving a bit of yourself to someone else, to show you care for them. Nowadays that's been construed to purchasing an item for someone. But that's not what a gift really is. We finally convinced the Long side of the family to stop giving gifts this year. So I'm only getting gifts for Mom, Dad, Adam and Ryan, my immediate family. I think this year's going to be great. The Gliem side of the family hasn't given gifts in like a decade and no one ever even thinks about it anymore! Christmas to us is getting to see each other again, eating way too much food, reading the Christmas story and games and activities. Its just fun! But when the pressure to buy presents, not gifts, presents... for people builds up, it turns into a white elephant charade. "I got you this cause I didn't know what to get you." If you don't know what to give someone, don't get them anything! A gift is when you see or think of something that would benefit the life of someone you know, and you love them enough to sacrifice to get it for them. I don't want a puppy calender, or a singing frog band, or a Titanic music box! You weren't thinking of me when you got them for me, you felt obligated and made a guess!

THAT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!!! So to all you customers rushing into Waldenbooks today scouring the emptying shelves for some trinket that will make a person on your list's pile equal to everyone else's on the list, I say, Don't even bother. They won't remember it next year and you won't feel any better about yourself because you did.

Christmas is Jesus. If you want a good GIFT, take Jesus' example. He humbled himself to the lowest position so He could save the lives of the ones He loved. If that's not a perfect gift, I don't know what is.



And yes, those presents were things that people actually got me...

Dude, God is Crazy!

I just got back from the Living Christmas Trees, a show that Grace at Polaris puts on every year, and my family has gone to every year. All my cousins say that its not Christmas till we go see the Trees. We love it, its big by church theatre standards, but it still has its quirks :)

This year got me thinking (a dangerous past-time). I should explain real quick. Every year it bases around a story, usually modern, and someone starts to talk about the Christmas story. So they go back and forth between the contemporary and the biblical stories, all the way up to the Resurrection. The modern story changes every year which is why we can be so eager to see it again and again. Alright, so this year's was sad. It was based around a family who's daughter had just lost her husband overseas in the war. She was hurting and was mad at God, and her parents were hurting because there was nothing they could do.

With that being said, the Jesus parts were what I was interested in. They did some interesting things this year. When Jesus is being nailed to the cross, everything slows down and a little boy in white, an angel, steps down and sings this little sad song. It was a beautiful moment. When Jesus is born, there are girl angels that show up and dance, and then enter the Warrior Angels. Big guys with full wings and flaming swords!

And here's where my mind wanders to. God is crazy! The reason people call Jesus' story the Greatest Story Ever Told is because there would be no way you could make it up. God is in Heaven, a perfect place, surrounded by people and angels that adore Him. But for some reason he can't stop watching these people. Jerks, really. Horrible people who hate each other, kill each other, care only for themselves and ruin almost everything they touch. This plague is infesting every single one of them, a plague that THEY created and are completely unable to fix. God, for some strange reason, falls in love with them. And it kills Him to see them suffering and dying from this plague of sin. So He decides that He's gonna fix it.

But there's a cost. The plague is a tricky thing, with rules that must be adhered to. A sacrifice is needed to clean the heart. But one sacrifice can really only clean one heart, and because its an imperfect sacrifice, the healing won't last. So God decides to do the one thing that can truly destroy the plague, something that is only within His power. He'll make the sacrifice Himself.

But a personal sacrifice is not enough. Any Father will gladly jump in front of a bullet to save his wife or kids. No, He decides to do the most painful and powerful thing ever. He sacrifices His Son. But its not that simple! First He takes Him out of His place of prestige at the Father's side, sends Him to the mud with all those wretches that He loves but who hate Him, and lets them carry out the sacrifice themselves. And you know what's really insane? Jesus, His perfect Son, is willing to go along with it.

Watching those angels tonight surrounding Jesus as a baby, walking around Him so restrained as the insects nail Him to two hunks of wood... all I could think of is, God is CRAZY! How did He have the will to let this happen? How could He watch as His perfect Son was maimed? How did the angels hold themselves back and not rush to their King's aid? Who would have ever thought that all of this would have worked out? And most of all, why does He love us enough to go through all of this?

A long time ago a friend of mine said he imagined Jesus in Heaven before he was sent to Earth talking with His friends, telling them this idea He had to save the world. And all His friends could say to Him was, "Dude, you're gonna get yourself killed!"
To which he replied... "I know."

Its a magnificent story.



I wish I could be that brave.

I am what I am...

My last post was on November 30, and after finishing I went to bed and grabbed "My Utmost for His Highest". It was a pretty poignant message. But that night I didn't accept it. Today I read it again, after another amazing Tuesday, and its a little easier.

November 30

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me was not in vain..."
- 1 Corinthians 15:10

The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. Get into the habit of examining from God's perspective those things that sound so humble to men. You will be amazed at how unbelievably inappropriate and disrespectful they are to Him. We say things such as, "Oh, I shouldn't claim to be sanctified; I'm not a saint." But to say that before God means, "No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are opportunities I have not had and so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn't possible." That may sound wonderfully humble to others, but before God it is an attitude of defiance.

Conversely, the things that sound humble before God may sound exactly the opposite to people. To say, "Thank God, I know I am saved and sanctified," is in God's eyes the purest expression of humility. It means you have so completely surrendered yourself to God that you know He is true. Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all.

There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

Wham! Right between the eyes.
Its a wonder I didn't get this Monday night. Its very clear now. Feeling worthless, and being unable to accept that God would want me is telling God that He did a terrible job creating me, and that He is powerless to change me. Ouch.

I'm going to keep working on this. Just as we use the scripture to 'capture every thought' when dealing with temptation, its just as important with these lies we buy everyday. I'm not worthless, God made me, and IT WAS GOOD. He gave me talents that I can use for His glory, and He put wonderful family and friends in my life to portray His Love for me. I have to keep telling myself this and stop those lies from even gaining one foot in my mind.

By the grace of God I am what I am, another story of how God can take something broken and make it NEW again.