Not Recognizing Myself

So much has changed.

Mom and I were talking about it and we both agreed if you had told us back at Thanksgiving we would be where we are now... there's no way we would have believed you.

Three jobs, one each day, different times different places. Painting, coffee, taxes. Playing the drumset weekly in a band, my dog gone... its very strange.

What is going on with my life? It seems like every time I turn around something is different. I can't keep up.

But I catch myself acting in ways I haven't before. I get up with a vague idea of where I'm going that day and who I will work for. I'm ok with that. Spontaneous changes in that vague schedule are not only numerous, they're ok too. I get cancellations and reschedules at the tax job all the time. Today I woke up and was told I shouldn't come in to work at the coffee shop. And I find that when my paychecks don't add up enough, I don't worry about it. I'm still tired of it, but I don't worry.

That doesn't sound like me.

But its more than work. I don't mind long drives anymore. I don't feel like its unfair or wrong when I hear someone gets cancer. Problems don't frustrate me as much anymore, getting all my meals in isn't a top priority any longer, and if I can't afford something I shrug and move on.

Who is this guy? My struggles aren't as embarrassing. If I can't live up to someone's standards, I just don't care. Reading books isn't as much of a joy. I put effort into what my hair looks like.

I just don't recognize myself anymore. And I really don't know what to do with that...

My life has changed so much in the past few years, and I feel like I'm just trying to catch up. Is there ever a time when I will be able to stop and make a decision of my own?



...just asking...

Annie

Yesterday was our last day with Annie, our beloved dog.

We weren't expecting it to be yesterday, it just jumped out and surprised us. The saddest part was that Annie didn't get to decide for herself, she just got to the point where it was much too cruel for us to let her live in such a horrible state. None of us wanted to do that. We've been praying for months for God to just take her in the night. But we had to let her go.

I loved that dog. And we have all cried a lot since yesterday. She was a constant in the house, Annie was always there. You'd open the door and she'd be sleeping on the tile at your feet, waiting for you to get home. In the morning, she'd be there ready to go out and start the new day. Wherever we were in the house, she was with us. She was a good dog.

And now that's gone. Its like missing a room in your house; its kind of the same, but something is definitely different. Its quieter now, and less smelly. We have less responsibility and the living room feels a little emptier. I don't like it.

And all this makes me wonder why God puts pets in our lives. Why does he let them wheedle their way into our hearts? Why does he make them so integral to our families, and then take them away? The thought of animals having no soul has been plaguing me, and it just doesn't sound like God. Why would he put so much effort into them, the details of their personalities, the loving care for them (Matt. 10:29, Luke 12:24), just to snuff them from existence?



Annie loved popcorn. She would do anything to get some. She was scared of the vacuum, and terrified of our black friend, Marvin who frightened her as a puppy. He always used to say she was racist but we would just say, "Marvin, how can she be racist, she's a black dog?" She hated baths but loved to run around after one, she enjoyed sitting in our yard watching the neighborhood, she loved snow and would stick her nose in it no matter how cold it was outside, and she would not stop following mom around the house every second of the day.

There's something there, a spirit. Annie was a specific dog, unlike any other. And if animals have no soul, then she could never sin, which meant that there was nothing barring her from God. She was in God's will as a creature of his hand (Job 12:7-10). She knew who God was, and he loved her when he made her. He loves everything he creates. And outside of man, all creation knows and loves Him (Psalm 148:7-10). So I refuse to believe she just disappeared. I also cannot imagine that Heaven is just a place of clouds and gold streets. It is a perfect version of Earth, with sky and trees and water. Why not animals? And if God puts so much effort into making the unique things here, why not bring them to heaven when they are done here?

I choose rather to believe that Annie's spirit slipped simply and easily to God's realm, fulfilling her purpose on Earth, so she could help praise him with the rest of creation.

Forgive me if that sounds childish, but I would rather presume God's love is all-encompassing to his entire creation, and not just on us.



Whatever His plan is, I'm grateful to God for the 16 years we had her. We'll miss you very much, Annie.

ITSN 1/25

For my first New of the year, I did my own taxes. Not very exciting, I know, but still a milestone of sorts. Actually, its a little more than that. I work for Salvation Army now doing free tax entry for low income families. As if filing my own taxes wasn't nail-biting and surreal by itself, I spend half the week doing other people's as well.

It took me a while to get used to it, because I am not good at numbers. Thankfully, I just run the program (much like a TurboTax), and it puts everything in its right place.

But I think the strangest thing has been working with the welfare class. A year or more ago my mom and I painted an entire battered women's shelter.

... we learned so much...

Now here we are again (both of us), taking people living on nothing into a little room to tell the government how little that nothing is. Its so odd, and sad. I really don't know how half of them stay alive. They are single mothers with their children making less than $8,000 for the whole year! They live in a house! They have a car! How is this possible? And I can tell you that most don't have food stamps or cash assistance (its one of the questions). I just don't get it.

It makes me realize how very fortunate I am. Though I have no money, thanks to my parents I have a home and food and hot water and electricity and internet and gas money. I guess you could say, I'm a form of welfare. But these past few years of being poor have taught me a lot. Mostly, to be humble. Which usually is only learned by being made humble. Also it has taught me to watch my money. I don't take it for granted like I did in college. Every dollar coming in and out is carefully surveyed. I remember last week standing in Drug Mart with a movie for sale. It was $5.99 and I had a two dollar coupon in my hand, making it just under four bucks. Four bucks. I debated over that movie for at least 10 minutes.

I don't know if I should appreciate that or not.

Another thing I learned is how very insane our tax system is. I got my first return in my life this year, just a little money, nothing to gawk at. I got it for two W-2's and a 1099-Misc. For work. We had a lady come in who won the lottery, didn't work a day last year, and is getting 5 grand back.

....? Really? REALLY?

The last thing I realized is how skewed the welfare class' thinking is. I mean, think about it. If you had nothing, wouldn't you be grateful for anything? Not the welfare class. They have nothing, and when they go to someone that wants to help them, they complain its not good enough. Our tax program is FREE and we've had people complain about how slow the return will get to them, how we didn't tell them every little thing they needed to bring (how was I supposed to know it would want to know how much you spent on health insurance last year?), or that we wronged them. Mom had a lady rip her head off because, "You call yourself tax preparers!?"

Well, no. We just explained that we aren't, that the software does the taxes, and by the way... ITS FREE.

Her response? "Well, I guess you get what you pay for!"

So my first New of the year has been much more eye opening than I had ever hoped. Maybe the next New will be more fun.