That Fast?

When was the last time you slipped and fell? How much time was there between the slip and the fall? Did you have enough time to think, "Oh man, I'm falling. This is not going to feel good. Let me look around and see if there's something to grab onto...no, nothing nearby. Oh well, I better brace myself." Probably not. It was more likely you were walking along like normal and the next second, out of the blue, you were on the ground.

How is it I can slip back into old crap so fast? Really? I mean, that fast? And I thought I was doing good! Since the Emmaus Walk in September, I've been reading my bible and devotions everyday, I was praying, earnestly, everyday, I didn't miss a men's night. And each one kept me fulfilled and on the road, with barely a stumble to speak of. I was heading straight for God, and He was revealing new and wonderful things to me.

And now, Bam! Here I am on the ground thinking... what just happened? How did I get here? How did I fall SO FAST? It's only been two months! Suddenly its been a week since I touched my bible. Now I catch myself thinking, Oh man I haven't prayed at all today... or yesterday! I missed the last men's night because of work. And old vices and demons are slipping back into my life, and what's worse I'm letting them!

What happened? I think I got busy. Work was crazy these last few weeks. The holiday took up all my time and energy. And instead of persevering through it all, I just said, "I'll do it in the morning, I'm too tired." Yeah, well, I should know myself well enough to know that I don't do anything in the morning, so I should have guessed it wouldn't get done.

At men's group last night someone brought up how no matter how long someone spends reading and studying the bible, they could spend their entire lifetime, they would never fully grasp it. Any other book and you would know everything there is to know about it after a life of study. But not the bible. And anyone who claims to understand God or has Him or His book figured out is sadly, sadly delusional.

And I can tell you with certainty, I will never understand God. And its this one thing that will always catch me. The one thing that I will never be able to grasp about God. Why He wanted me.

Someone said last night that any good you see in me is Christ, not me.

I want to be such a better person. But I came to a realization last night that there's nothing, nothing, I can do by myself to achieve that. And its a bit of a paradox. To become a better servant for God, you must let God make you a better servant for God. But...wait. How can my action be letting God act? God will make me into the better person that I want to be, for Him?

Seems a little unfair. That's a lot of stuff for God to do, and not much on my part. But I'll try. But there's one thing that I can do: I can be faithful. I can trust in Him in all things, and He will WORK. I read this last night:

When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." So Jesus went with them.

He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.



That's the kind of Oak like Faith that I want to have. For He is able.