Action

I've been looking for a church for over a year now. I've been trying to find a stable full-time job since I graduated college. I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life for many years. And through all this time I've contemplated, searched, deliberated and prayed.

So mostly I just thought about it a lot.

There is a value in thinking. Thinking before you speak is a very wise thing. Meditating before making a big decision is prudent as well. But only for a time. If we all thought over everything until we were completely, utterly sure without a shadow of a doubt, we wouldn't move from the spot we were in for the rest of our lives.

I think that's been a factor in my recent life. I have thought too much. I've sat and waited for God to come out and go, "Surprise!" and then my life would move to the next step. I consider things, over and over. There's no movement, there's no flow. I'm, more or less, a stagnant pond. The water's there, but nothing's doing.

And God has really been pressing me lately with one idea, Action.

Do.

Stop sitting there thinking about it, go out and actually do it! How many times have you heard that? Its almost cliche. But for some reason it never really sunk in. I've thought about what kind of church I'd like to go to, scrutinized the ones I've visited, but while I was there... nothing. It wasn't until someone said to me, "Ethan, you need to stop looking for a church where you feel comfortable and start looking for a church where you can serve."

Whoa. All that thinking and that had never crossed my mind. So you know what? I'm moving now. I'm helping out with the Christmas service for the church I've been attending, and I might play drums for worship. I helped mom lead worship at the last Emmaus Gathering, something I was totally not comfortable with. Instead of grabbing a notepad and pondering over it for an hour, I just started writing the book. Start the project, have the conversation, give the money, kiss the girl. Just do.

Action. I believe God will guide the moving. To step out in a direction praying it is the right one, and then let God push whichever way he prefers. But he can't guide something that isn't moving. You can't tell a rock which way to go, and walls don't take direction very well. I have to move, I have to keep going. I just have to go out and do. Win or lose, at least I'll be accomplishing something.

Thinking is very wise, but Action begets life.

Courage to Make it Home

"Lord, give me the stones to ask the hard questions."

A friend of mine told me this prayer a few weeks ago. We were talking about the difficult situations, when you've been burned by someone you trusted, or when you witness a friend in the midst of something you both know isn't right. What do you do? There's really only two things: ignore it, or ask the hard questions.

Neither seem very appealing, to be honest. Confronting someone is a dangerous place. You're risking your relationship with them. They will either hear you out as a friend and trust that you have their best interests in mind, or they'll feel insulted and want you as far from them as possible. That's when you take a good look at the friendship and say, "What does this person mean to me?" Because, and God will always prompt you on this, if the person means a lot to you, you most likely will confront them. The less you think of them, the better chance you'll just ignore the whole situation.

That seems a little backwards but it isn't. If some guy on the street snubbed me, I'd just brush it off. But if a good friend stabbed me in the back I would want to know exactly what the hell they were thinking.

Can you let a friend stay in that mire of guilt or sin? Boy, it just kills me. And so, God took me a step further in faith and taught me another lesson. One I would have preferred to skip.

Another thought has been going through my mind, and it sort of has something to do with this. I've heard several times over the past few months the idea of a home I've never seen.

Created for a place I've never known...

I... love this. How incredible to think that this harsh world is not my home? To think that somewhere is a place so indescribable, and I'm a prince there. Its my home, my true home. I was created for it all along. And this world we live in is so beautiful and full of a grandeur... but my home is more than it. It is the potential of what this world never realized. Doesn't that just blow you away?

It made me wonder about why this world is so difficult... why Christians are put through so much to finally get home. And what I realized is... comforting. Beautiful. God wanted us to be our absolute best when we finally got home. Think about it, a rich kid who grows up rich doesn't think he is. But a poor kid who struggles through life, when he is invited to live in a mansion...

It's magical to him. He's in awe of it all. He's grateful. He appreciates just how great it is, because he knows what it was like without it. That's us, I think. God puts us on this earth, guiding us through trial after trial, growing us, strengthening us, refining us into a being that is humble, sincere, bold, loving and confident. Something we could never be if Heaven was given to us first. And then when we finally pass through the gates and see the first glints of light from the golden roads, and hear the first brush of wings... we will be grateful. We will be in awe. And we will forever appreciate God and his home for us, because we remember what it was like without.



Walking, stumbling... on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that I've never seen...
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began.

And I have sensed it all along...
Fast approaching is the day...

Transitions and Adventure

My head is swimming with so many thoughts, and I need to pour some out on the computer so I don't drown in them. Its weird. I feel unsettled. There's rarely a moment these days that leaves me content or at peace. Is that a bad thing? It almost feels like that weird dread you get when you're traveling and you suddenly get the notion that you left something important behind. Like an odd soreness on the backs of your arms and a bit of tightness in your chest.

What's that all about? Around a week ago God finally got me where He wanted me, and I cried uncle. And that was a big deal for me. It was... freeing. There's something about wrestling with someone for a long time, and you just get this bustling stream of pride that you will not let them get to you! Then you reach that moment when your head and your heart finally catch up to each other and you realize... I just can't go on. So you stop wrestling. For about a half second you feel like a failure, but then an overwhelming ease washes over you. You're done, you don't have to fight anymore. Sigh...

So shouldn't I feel at ease? No, I guess not. Because I feel like I immediately entered the dreaded Transition phase. No rest yet, don't indulge in that peace... you've got another step coming. And until then we will be transitioning. Have you ever felt comfortable on a 10 hour drive? How about a 7 hour flight? Did the time between one job and the next feel relaxing to you? Me neither.

So that's where I am. Moving away from my old hang ups and mindsets and moving to God knows where. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Every conversation leaves me with the impression that I missed something or snubbed the person. I'm having trouble coming up with the words to say, the reactions to have.

But let me bring up something else that has nothing and everything to do with this. Adventure. I am an adventurer, I love it. Exploring, trying new things, daring. But adventure is hard to come by most often. Then I finally came to a realization. Adventure rarely comes to you, you more often have to go to it. Scary, huh? I guess that's part of the risk of adventures, actually beginning one in the first place.

So me sitting at home writing on the computer or wasting endless hours on facebook will bring about an adventure about as much as locking myself in a crate and wishing really really hard. So on Monday I was off, and I looked outside, and it was beautiful. I grabbed some things and headed out to the state park. It was the best day. The woods were almost at the perfect peak of Autumn goodness and I wandered through the trees with my stories streaming through my head. It was cool, it was bright, it was what I needed. Near the end of the trail, I found a deer trail and followed into uncharted territory. I found a deer den complete with deer family, a neat little island in the creek, and a bunch of old glass bottles piled up in the leaves. It was like I was seven and pretending I was the very first person to ever step foot among these trees.

I was satisfied. One of the only times I've felt that these past couple weeks. And the next day we had that huge storm which tore most of the leaves down. If I hadn't gone out, I would have missed it completely.

So here's my reasoning, now that I have put myself in a position that God can use me, he is filling my soul with an undeniable desire for adventure, the next step. And he is making me uncomfortable in my transition so I will not stay where I am or never gather the courage to start the adventure. He is making sure that everything in me will leap for the next step, so that I won't miss the wonderful adventure He has planned.




At least, I think so...

Raw

You know when you try to open a jar that's on really tight and after several tries it finally pops open? Then you look down at your hands and they're red and it hurts to move them. Or how about when you have a sore throat for a long time, and you drink pop or lemonade? Hurts, doesn't it?

Is that your fault? No, not really. You've gone through a stress of some sort and it left that part of your body raw and sensitive.

I thoroughly believe that the spirit is as versatile and complex as the body. This past week has been drastic and volatile in my spiritual life, something I'm grateful for because I am growing from it. But now I realize that all that work God has been doing, all the scraping out of the bad stuff in my life, has left me sensitive and raw.

Every little thing is like lemon juice in a cut. Stupid things that people don't mean, stuff that I take out of context. Its like poking a burn. It wouldn't be a problem at all when I'm healthy, but now that I'm in recovery it hurts like a jerk. I guess that's what I get for being vulnerable.

Another lesson learned: When God does a work in you beware the weeks after. He may leave you so raw that things that didn't bother you before scrape against your sensitive new heart.

Changes

Wow. What a weekend I had. Roller coaster ride.

There was something I realized these past few days (among MANY things)... I have been selfish. Now that's not breaking news in my life, but what I realized was that I've been so selfish I've even been selfish in my sin.

Let me explain, think of sin as a good thing for a moment. I would be the most arrogant person you've ever met. It would be like I was saying, "I'm the best person in the world and you'll never be able to achieve this." Ok, now put sin back to being bad, and I'm saying, "I'm the worst person, and you'll never understand."

How arrogant is that? How selfish am I to believe that I'm more than you even in the bad stuff I do!

I was telling a friend this and he said, "Isn't it nice that the ground is level at the cross?"

Yes, yes it is; I'm so grateful for it. Many things are happening in my life right now, quickly and one after the other. I feel changes on the horizon and am past fearing them and now thoroughly looking forward to them. The music we sang at church yesterday had my eyes so watery that I could barely get the words out. I looked out the window at the sky and said, "Ok, God. Whatever you want."

Read these words, better yet, sing them. They can change your life.

Take my life, and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to thee;
take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move
at the impulse of thy love;
take my feet, and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing
always, only, for my King;
take my lips, and let them be
filled with messages from thee.

Take my silver and my gold,
not a mite would I withhold;
take my intellect, and use
every power as thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it thine;
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart, it is thine own;
it shall be thy royal throne.

Take my love; my Lord, I pour
at thy feet its treasure store;
take my self, and I will be
ever, only, all for thee.

Have You Ever?

Interesting things today.

Have you ever had someone say this to you?

"Feel free to call anytime, if you have any questions... we want to be vulnerable for you."

.....

Really? It was a first time for me, and it really struck me. Vulnerable for you. What an interesting choice of words. What an interesting sentiment. What a unique position he put himself in by offering a relationship like that. How many people have told you that? If they have, how many have meant it?

Which brings me to my next thought. The person then said, "It really was nice meeting you." Have you ever considered how shallow that phrase is in our culture? You meet someone, shake their hand and say, "Its nice to meet you." whether it is or not. Its as hollow as the mechanical, "How are you?" that has become a new greeting in America. We don't really care how you are. Its not really that nice to meet you. But here after a lunch a man shakes my hand and says that it really was a nice time meeting me.

Interesting. I like this.

I think I'd like to start being vulnerable for people, too.

The Next Steps

Has going to church ever made you depressed? It does most times for me. Several reasons why.

Church is so much more a life than a... thing to me. I feel like church should be this mysteriously desirable place because it doesn't feel like any other place in the world. Walking down the street feels one way, being in the woods another, in your car another, and sitting at home still another. So when I go to church, I keep thinking that it should have a distinct feel to it, something homey, something... alive. But when I go to church it feels like a business. It feels like a classroom. It feels like the BMV. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

I have been church homeless for a year now, and its been very discouraging to go from place to place and never find that uniqueness. A place that's been missing from my life, a place where the combined fusion of loving people with the Spirit of God creates something that feels... alive. A family, a home. Am I asking too much from this? Am I way off base?

The churches I've gone to, all are different. But there was something similar to all of them. It felt... staged. Where did this universal order of service come from? Is everyone doing it because everyone is doing it? It just all seems so strange to me. Stand up, pass the peace, sing in the dark, announcements, video, message with forced vigor, closing song, uncomfortable time between end of service and slipping into the car. That sounds very cynical, but I'm just telling you what I've seen. I mean, I've gone to a brand new church twice now and it is just like the old ones.

Does it ever feel like the congregation is watching the worship team worship? I looked around today and no one was acting like the people on the stage. They all sing with their eyes scrunched shut, arms out when they can manage it, singing the same chorus a dozen times. Then they let the instruments play alone while we can all "worship" on our own, but instead everyone kind of waits awkwardly till we go back to the chorus. Or how about when they play a familiar song, but the praise band leader jazzes it up so you can't really follow along, despite the fact that you know the words?

This is turning into a rant. Its just... I don't really know what to do about church. I can honestly say that church, is one of the most uncomfortable places for me on the planet. That's not good. And the more I see of church, the more I don't like it. Its a show, people don't want to be there, they're terrified to stand up or speak, the pastor has to prompt them to say, "Amen." It feels so hollow to me. Maybe I've just been going to the wrong churches.

Today I was very cynical, and I was a little disgusted with myself for not being able to see past the negative. The music was so loud people were having conversations behind me and no one could hear them. The praise team acted like a rock band, and not a very good one. The pastor dressed like a rock star, and even took his Starbucks coffee on stage with him. "What the hell, dude." actually went through my head when I saw that.

And then he gave the sermon, and dang it if he didn't give a good one. You know what it was on? Depression. Yup. Elijah running from Jezebel. Seeing only the negative in the situation. Being overwhelmed with not understanding what God is up to and feeling like he's forgotten about you. God spoke right to me.

Several things popped out. The pastor said that this new church would not be a negative environment, they would be a positive place. When you focus on the negative you magnify it making it more and more important to you. He said that God is there whether it feels like he is or not. Your feelings can lie to you, and its easy to believe them. Just because it doesn't feel like God is near, or that you still love that person, or that you are still a Christian, doesn't mean any of its true. Its how you're thinking of the situation. The only way to change those feelings, is by changing the way you think of the situation. The way you think changes the way you feel, which changes the way you act. He said that depression usually comes from comparing yourself to others, and seeing how far you fall short. We compare our insides with people's outsides. And that's a losing game.

Guilty, guilty, guilty. And I was getting what God was trying to say. But then the pastor brought up purpose. That was it for me. Elijah needed a new purpose, and from the flight from Jezebel and time in the desert, he was given a new purpose. Another reason people get depressed, their purpose seems to have run out, and waiting on the next one seems like it may never come at all. Boy, did that hit home.

So at the end of the service, he asked people to come down for prayer if they needed it. If anything spoke to you today... and especially for those who feel they need a new purpose. Well, you can imagine how quickly I got out of that building. I felt stupid, and more depressed walking away from that invitation, but I got in my car and started to drive away.

And then I pulled into another parking space and went right back in. The pastor was still there, and I just went to him and said, "I need a new purpose." So they prayed for me. I couldn't help cry because their words were exactly what I needed to hear.

They spoke on how its been a long road with lots of stumbling, but the time is coming when my steps will become more sure. They asked confidence for me in these new steps, give me strength and energy. Surround me with brothers who can encourage me, because discouragement would come. Stop wanting so many answers and trying to hurry things along, God has everything under control. Each thing an arrow in my heart. And then the pastor prayed, your life is like a terrarium that's been barren for a while, but little sprouts are starting to grow. Wherever there is life growing, that's what I'm supposed to work on, that's where I'm supposed to go.

I'm glad I went back. I was depressed before I went in, and I wouldn't say I'm jumping for joy now, but I feel better. So I must be thinking of the situation in better way. God has something in store, he's just taking his time. And I have to stop letting everyone else's progress dictate mine.

So I'll look for the sprouts that are starting to grow in my life...



... and go from there.