The Next Steps

Has going to church ever made you depressed? It does most times for me. Several reasons why.

Church is so much more a life than a... thing to me. I feel like church should be this mysteriously desirable place because it doesn't feel like any other place in the world. Walking down the street feels one way, being in the woods another, in your car another, and sitting at home still another. So when I go to church, I keep thinking that it should have a distinct feel to it, something homey, something... alive. But when I go to church it feels like a business. It feels like a classroom. It feels like the BMV. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

I have been church homeless for a year now, and its been very discouraging to go from place to place and never find that uniqueness. A place that's been missing from my life, a place where the combined fusion of loving people with the Spirit of God creates something that feels... alive. A family, a home. Am I asking too much from this? Am I way off base?

The churches I've gone to, all are different. But there was something similar to all of them. It felt... staged. Where did this universal order of service come from? Is everyone doing it because everyone is doing it? It just all seems so strange to me. Stand up, pass the peace, sing in the dark, announcements, video, message with forced vigor, closing song, uncomfortable time between end of service and slipping into the car. That sounds very cynical, but I'm just telling you what I've seen. I mean, I've gone to a brand new church twice now and it is just like the old ones.

Does it ever feel like the congregation is watching the worship team worship? I looked around today and no one was acting like the people on the stage. They all sing with their eyes scrunched shut, arms out when they can manage it, singing the same chorus a dozen times. Then they let the instruments play alone while we can all "worship" on our own, but instead everyone kind of waits awkwardly till we go back to the chorus. Or how about when they play a familiar song, but the praise band leader jazzes it up so you can't really follow along, despite the fact that you know the words?

This is turning into a rant. Its just... I don't really know what to do about church. I can honestly say that church, is one of the most uncomfortable places for me on the planet. That's not good. And the more I see of church, the more I don't like it. Its a show, people don't want to be there, they're terrified to stand up or speak, the pastor has to prompt them to say, "Amen." It feels so hollow to me. Maybe I've just been going to the wrong churches.

Today I was very cynical, and I was a little disgusted with myself for not being able to see past the negative. The music was so loud people were having conversations behind me and no one could hear them. The praise team acted like a rock band, and not a very good one. The pastor dressed like a rock star, and even took his Starbucks coffee on stage with him. "What the hell, dude." actually went through my head when I saw that.

And then he gave the sermon, and dang it if he didn't give a good one. You know what it was on? Depression. Yup. Elijah running from Jezebel. Seeing only the negative in the situation. Being overwhelmed with not understanding what God is up to and feeling like he's forgotten about you. God spoke right to me.

Several things popped out. The pastor said that this new church would not be a negative environment, they would be a positive place. When you focus on the negative you magnify it making it more and more important to you. He said that God is there whether it feels like he is or not. Your feelings can lie to you, and its easy to believe them. Just because it doesn't feel like God is near, or that you still love that person, or that you are still a Christian, doesn't mean any of its true. Its how you're thinking of the situation. The only way to change those feelings, is by changing the way you think of the situation. The way you think changes the way you feel, which changes the way you act. He said that depression usually comes from comparing yourself to others, and seeing how far you fall short. We compare our insides with people's outsides. And that's a losing game.

Guilty, guilty, guilty. And I was getting what God was trying to say. But then the pastor brought up purpose. That was it for me. Elijah needed a new purpose, and from the flight from Jezebel and time in the desert, he was given a new purpose. Another reason people get depressed, their purpose seems to have run out, and waiting on the next one seems like it may never come at all. Boy, did that hit home.

So at the end of the service, he asked people to come down for prayer if they needed it. If anything spoke to you today... and especially for those who feel they need a new purpose. Well, you can imagine how quickly I got out of that building. I felt stupid, and more depressed walking away from that invitation, but I got in my car and started to drive away.

And then I pulled into another parking space and went right back in. The pastor was still there, and I just went to him and said, "I need a new purpose." So they prayed for me. I couldn't help cry because their words were exactly what I needed to hear.

They spoke on how its been a long road with lots of stumbling, but the time is coming when my steps will become more sure. They asked confidence for me in these new steps, give me strength and energy. Surround me with brothers who can encourage me, because discouragement would come. Stop wanting so many answers and trying to hurry things along, God has everything under control. Each thing an arrow in my heart. And then the pastor prayed, your life is like a terrarium that's been barren for a while, but little sprouts are starting to grow. Wherever there is life growing, that's what I'm supposed to work on, that's where I'm supposed to go.

I'm glad I went back. I was depressed before I went in, and I wouldn't say I'm jumping for joy now, but I feel better. So I must be thinking of the situation in better way. God has something in store, he's just taking his time. And I have to stop letting everyone else's progress dictate mine.

So I'll look for the sprouts that are starting to grow in my life...



... and go from there.