Pondering

Have you ever felt like your brain was going to just... shut down? For some reason I cannot concentrate on one thing. Not one. Every thought on practically every aspect of my life is jostling for the forefront, beating each other to a pulp for the front of the line. Job decisions bashes prayer life in the face, while Friendships are kicked in the groin by thoughts on marriage. Money troubles has my book and Spiritual life down on the ground kicking it over and over and over, and I think issues at the coffee shop just got knocked unconscious, by what I should eat for dinner. It makes for a confusing metaphor, and an overloaded mind.

What to do? I'm pondering life at the moment. I have no job I have joy in, because I'm not looking for one. My book is getting no where, because I'm not working on it, or motivated enough. I have no money, because all I want to do is sit around. I rarely see my friends because of distance, but I'm not trying to make new ones. I'm getting chubby, because I never exercise. And my spiritual life is tanking, because I'm not trying hard enough.

Why? It seems like the major component to my downfall here, is me. So how do I get me out of the way? If there's one thing I've learned about myself, its that I want to better myself. If there's two things I've learned, its that I'm incapable of doing it.

Or am I? What do you do? Do you have these thoughts, or am I the only one? Do you wonder about life, and what's to come of yours, and wonder why you are where you are? Are you your own worst enemy, like that jerk, Ethan, is to me?

Just to clarify, I don't hate myself, but I sure am confused by him. He's much more contradiction than man. And I wonder if that will ever change. I know by the Grace of God it can happen, but will I ever let it?

Brain starting to shut down, too many thoughts to think.

I think I need a change. And that's why I'm just...


...pondering life.