Its amazing how quickly things change. Like, a few minutes ago, before I called Lee, I was feeling fine. Now, a few minutes later after the call, I have a sinkhole in my stomach. Can I be honest with you? I'm terrified of doing this. If there is one thing I REALLY don't want to screw up, its talking about God to someone else. That's one of those things that has a lasting effect on people. I know so many people who've had one bad encounter with a Christian and BAM, they're off God for good.
When I called Lee tonight, he asked the verdict and I told him, "I'll do it for ya." Then he said jokingly, "Well, I hope you're doing it for God." I gave him a chuckle and while he was rifling around for a pen and paper I just closed my eyes and whispered..."I'm not ready for this." That phone call proved it.
To be blunt, I'm not good enough to preach about God, or lead people. I feel wholly inadequate for this. Everything in me is screaming to run, but I have no excuse to. And I know these feelings aren't of God, so why am I still so concerned?
I've deleted the next sentence six times at least. I just don't know what to say. My head is well aware that God will be there, that He will be speaking, that I will grow through this, that my ability has nothing to do with any of this. But I'm still kind of freaked out. I don't know how to make my heart understand what my head already knows.
You gotta pray for me. I'm gonna need it.
(freak out)
Brother,
ReplyDeleteI know all your feeling. It isn't uncommon. All I can tell you is get to work and He will begin to calm all those feelings. God wouldn't call you to this mission field and abandon you. Begin to seek Him and you will find Him when you do it with all your heart. Right? Start now bro. He will begin to give you tons of stuff for your upcoming talk things will start to weave themselves together and you'll know it is God and man that is a incredible feeling. Seek Him in the word, seek Him in the woods, seek Him as you paint and pour coffee, seek Him on your knees, just seek Him. There will be resistence and we will be praying that the liar will be barred from your thoughts and home. Always remember we are here and we have actually been down this road. Any help we can give is yours just ask bro and I'll keep checking with you just in case you forget. We love you and we are on our knees for you my brother. I know you will be just fine nerves happen and they can be overcome. He has and will equip you. Hagg
I agree with Hagg. You have SO many people that have already done this that will help you. What you dont realize is that we all had help when we did it. So many people helping with talks, with ideas for discussions, with what to pack, with what to wear, with how to make people who are uncomfortable at the table feel all warm and cozy. JUST ASK! You may not see it because you are so close to the situation, but God is putting you in many situations where you HAVE to talk to strangers. Work, work and Emmaus. He is grooming and molding you for something, and the only way to get good at something.....thats right, is to do it! The more you do something, the easier it gets. Just let go of thinking about you and concentrate on something else. Maybe you could just start praying for your assistant table leader who is more terrified than you cause he has never been on a team. Just pray for him. Pray for Lee, he has LOTS to do. Pray for the pilgrims coming. Once your focus is off of you and on to God doing great things you will know what to say in your talk and you can greet your assistant with "hi! I've been praying for you!" What a great way to start a forever friendship!
ReplyDeleteI think you started in just the right place Ethan...being brutally honest. God uses folks who readily admit their weakness. Whatever you think you are not, He is. All you have to do is point the men at your table to Jesus...the rest will be taken care of.
ReplyDeleteI pray that God would give you an overwhelming sense of peace in His sufficiency and that the time of preparation would be a faith building experience.
You did a fine job as the assistant table leader for my walk. I am sure you will be great serving in this capacity.
~ Sam (from Columbus)
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline.
ReplyDelete