The Reassuring Hand of God

You know those times of your life where every thought in your head whirls around like the remains of a trailer park in a twister, never seeming to EVER land? And though more seems to add to the mix, nothing is ever answered? And you get so desperate that all you want is just one answer, just one.

Well, I can't seem to concentrate lately. On anything (that always makes prayer difficult). But I think in these times of chaos the devil takes advantage of your confusion and heaps more than your little mind can bear. Instead of just wondering about jobs, friends, money... life, the universe, and everything, he shoves in a little doubt here, a little guilt there, and whispers how bad a person you are.

I think that's been my life lately. And for me, in these times I am so desperate to hear from God because every time I do, the chaos settles like a storm. A few days ago I got to the point where I didn't know where to turn. I just needed an answer, and I couldn't think of who would be able to give me the answer. That whole night was just a slow depression easing itself onto my shoulders. And then an idea popped into my head. An idea so random I knew it was from God. Write to an old friend.

This friend was an integral part of my college life. And sadly, I haven't spoken to him in years. So I went to the computer, sat down, and just poured my heart out to him. When I hit send I said to God, "Please speak to me in this response."

The next day I got a response. It made me cry. You're told God cares about your issues, you read that nothing is too small for God to notice, but you don't really understand these things until you experience them. I was surprised at how quickly I got my answer. I was surprised at how astute my friend's answer was, something that spoke directly to my heart. ... I was surprised that I had to look up an old friend to get it. When you pray, you should believe that God will answer. And yet, I'm surprised God gave me an answer at all.

I've been praying for a few things for a long time and God keeps postponing them, giving me alternate things instead. I ask for a career that I can be in for several years, and he gives me a part-time job at a coffee shop. Stuff like that. I guess I've gotten to the point where I didn't expect to get what I asked for anymore. I always pray knowing the answer may be no, but I think I just turned that into I pray knowing the answer is no.

That's not a good thing.

But you know what is? That response. I can never understand God's love or why He cares at all, but I am grateful He does, and that He reassures me of it. And even though its still hard to concentrate, its not a twister anymore...



Its just windy.