Purpose

I had a long conversation last night with a friend about what I should do next in life. I had another, slightly shorter one again a few minutes ago with my father. Both were nice because I love to talk things out, but I'm still as confused as I was before. But worse, I'm more frustrated. I always get frustrated when it comes to debates about my future job or life choices or just life in general. Mostly because I have no idea. None. I am as clueless as an out-of-stock board game store.

I know, that one was pretty lame.

My entire life I've struggled with purpose. I hate not having it. And, before anything starts, I acknowledge that my purpose in life is to serve Christ, something I am desiring to do more and more. I am talking about the practical and everyday purpose. That thing... that I'm supposed to do. That thing that God has planned for me that I will be most content with.

I tend to label myself, and abilities, by my occupation; a habit I'm being told more often to ditch. I feel like I have no ... purpose. At the bookstore, my purpose is to make sure a fresh stock of books is on the shelves and to help consumers get those books home. Well, that's what it used to be. Nowadays its trying to keep the place from looking like a dilapidated Odd Lots and helping bonepickers get their pile of merchandise out the door while praying that the ancient cash registers and computer last just one more week. And mom says that when painting people's houses we're making their lives better, making their homes homier.

That's all well and good. I accept that and appreciate the years I've done them. I do really, that's not just a cynical brush-off. But man... I feel like there's something much more.

I've also been told that I'm in the desert phase. The character building phase. I've had many people tell me that everything I'm learning right now is being learned for the future. That at some point I will come across a moment when the lessons learned at these mundane months will spring forth and save me from making errors. I like that. I like the idea of training. But training, reasonably, usually leads up to something to be trained for. Just because I'm wandering the desert doesn't mean I can't be confused on where I'm going.

And that's where I am I think. Is there a way to wait on the Lord while still moving? What if I move, just for moving's sake, and miss what I had been waiting on? What if all this waiting and training has made me so cynical and depressed that I grow too apathetic to go looking anymore? And worse, what if all this time away from action and purpose has stolen my confidence? I feel like that has already taken place.

I don't want to just grab a job so I can keep up with my bills. If that were the case, I'd already have another job lined up. But I'm going on three years out of college. College, that thing that's supposed to advance you to better jobs. So far I haven't got past part-time. And everything inside of me, all the discernment I can muster on the Lord's will, is telling me that something's coming. A change is on its way. The next step is almost here. The Emmaus Walk felt like the precursor to it.

And that leads me to my last thought. Am I really just running away from God's will? Is one of the things that I've dismissed long ago, actually the thing that God intended all along? I would hate for that to be true. Partly because I would feel like I'd wasted time outside of what God had in store for me. But mostly because, there's a reason I dismissed those old ideas. I don't want to do them. And why would God intend something for me that made me so miserable?



So many questions. So confused.