Losing Him

As in getting lost, losing track, turn around and realize he's not there anymore.

Not because of anything he's done. Nope, its my own fault.

I feel like God isn't talking anymore. I haven't really heard from him in a while. Things have been getting treacherously dark and confusing, and it doesn't feel like he's going to show up. Things, mostly social, have been a lot harder as of late. Good things I do, no matter how noble, seem to turn to ash in my fingers. No matter how honorable, no matter what the intention, it all ends in nothing. At least on my side. Following leads ends in a brick wall, giving my time ends in mediocrity, worship... well I can't say there's been much of that.

But you know what's caused all this? Cause I figured it out.

Prayer.

I haven't been praying. I don't pray. Well, that's not true, I'll put in an occasional memo on safe travels or pass along a request if I get a text from someone needing prayer. But me personally, spending quality time with my Lord. No, none of that.

And you know what fuels most of this? I don't know what to pray. When I actually do think to pray I sit and stare at the ceiling going completely blank. I'm at a point where I've asked for the same things so often I wonder if its really even necessary to ask anymore. He knows, and it doesn't seem to be something he's ready to give. I think what to pray for other people and I immediately feel stupid and small. For one, I don't know what my friends and family need. And what I would pray for them might actually be a hindrance to them. God's plans are so much bigger and more intricate, that my "helping" would be like taking a monkey wrench to a pocket watch. This has been plaguing me for a few weeks now and to be honest, I'm not really sure how to get back with him. I've been walking through these woods and now that I've realized I've lost him... I don't know which way to turn to find him again.

This past Thanksgiving weekend a couple of cousins stayed with us. One, who I adore spending time with but haven't in... years, is learning how to play guitar. I learned in high school but haven't played much since. She brought her guitar for the weekend and we were going to jam, but we discovered that my guitar's strings were very old, very sharp and a little rusty. Thankfully she had some extra and we set about to putting them on. Together. I gotta tell you, her and I working diligently on that guitar, working together without any qualms of who got to do what, with the smell of fresh cookies baking in the next room, and the excitement of playing together once we were finished...

That's a feeling I wish would have lasted longer. We had such a bond at that moment. We were both content, enjoying the others' company and work, we were accomplishing something beneficial and fun. We were happy. It was perfect.

That's how I want to feel with God. That's what I want our relationship to be like.



... now if I could just find him again...